he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
