i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
