I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
