That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
