All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Randomize
