He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
