haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
