Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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