I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
