the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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