Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
