I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
