I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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