i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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