GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
