I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
