he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
