The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
do nipples grow back?
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