Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We need a shit load of segways right now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
