Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
