I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
