So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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