So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think a kid would responsible me up
I don't deserve a penis
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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