Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
