You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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