Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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