The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
