Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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