Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
