How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
