you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
