Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
