Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
