RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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