i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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