OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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