So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
