i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
