I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
