You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
