the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
