i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
