I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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