his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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