4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
