Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
