even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
