Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
