My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
