i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
