fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
